Australia is Trying to Kill me!!!

The entire country of Australia is out to get me! That's right, I am about 99.99999 % sure that a hit was put out on me, and when I say 'hit,' I mean a bird crapped on my car... I could have died! I mean, what if this happened when I was driving? I could have tried to clean it off with my wipers, then it would be all smeared - I could get into a serious accident! I know you're dying to know how this came about, so here is what happened:

I did something so horrible, I am still regretting it now... I went into the Outback Steakhouse to ask a question (if you don't know what this is, it's an Australian restaurant in the United States). ANYWAY, I went in for about 5 minutes at the most, and what did I find when I left? A bird s#*t on my car! Never in my life has this happened... I'm pretty certain that there is a direct link to the Outback being Australian and the damn bird! I bet it was an Australian bird... bastard! Needless to say, I felt horrible... I can't believe I committed such a hideous act! Never again...

Puppies are Better than Boyfriends!

There is no such thing as having an ex-puppy, so why are people so fixated on getting a boyfriend or girlfriend? Dogs are clearly a better choice of companion, I mean come on, there is no such thing as an ex-puppy! To prove that puppies are a better choice, I have come up with a top ten list of reasons puppies are better than boyfriends, and or girlfriends.

Isn't my puppy adorable?!

1) Puppies love you unconditionally. Even if you put on a few pounds, a puppy will always love you, no strings attached.

2) Puppies are better listeners. You can sit with a puppy all day long talking to them, and they will happily cuddle beside you, listening to everything you have to say. Granted, they may occasionally fall asleep, you can't really get mad at them because they are so darn cute!

3) Puppies feel guilty when they do something wrong. Boyfriends or girlfriends may try to talk their way out of getting in trouble. A puppy feels bad if they do something wrong, typically sulking with their tail between their legs.

4) A puppy will never cheat! When you come home, your puppy will always be there waiting for you while wagging their tail, not canoodling after some floozie or man-whore.

5) If you show a puppy affection they will return it with no strings attached. A puppy doesn't expect anything in return from their love, they are genuine when they show affection.

6) All you need to do to keep a puppy loving you forever is feed it and give attention. You don't need to go out and buy expensive gifts.

7) Puppies don't pretend to know how to do something, so you're not going to have the following conversation: "yeah, I can totally bench 300 pounds... no biggie...", obviously they would try and fail.

8) Puppies aren't going to be an arrogant douches. They are pretty down to earth, and don't try to be better than another person's puppy. They are who they are, and that's more than enough for me!

9) Puppies won't come home drunk because they don't drink alcohol, and more often than not, they stay at home.

10) Puppies are freaking adorable! More adorable than any person!!!! It's a scientific fact ;)

As you can see, there are a lot of reasons that puppies are better that boyfriends and girlfriends. So what are you waiting for? Go out and get yourself a puppy today!!!