Top 5 Reasons Chuck Norris Should Run For President

With the upcoming 2012 electing approaching I have been bombarded with political information, and the sad thing is, even if I could vote, I wouldn't choose either of the candidates for president. If I could, I would vote for someone different.

You may be asking yourself who I would choose, and the answer is really quite obvious! There is only one person who comes to mind... A man who is intelligent beyond comprehension and stronger than any force imaginable. Who is this mystery man? Chuck Norris! It is an widely known fact that Chuck Norris is pretty darn amazing at absolutely everything. Chuck Norris has broken the speed of light and sound! He has also already explored every part of outer-space! You name it, if he wanted to, Chuck Norris could do it. But why president of the United States? Here is why: 

5) International Security: With Chuck Norris as President no country would dare start a war and democracy (or chuckocracy) would be practiced worldwide.

4) Intelligence: Chuck Norris is like Santa Claus. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. Chuck Norris actually knows everything. It is a fact that all government and military branches go to Chuck Norris for intelligence information. If not roundhouse kicked to the face, the information they receive saves billions of lives. Chuck Norris is the one who informed the United States government of the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. 

3) National Defense: Lets face it - with Chuck Norris as President there would be no need for any type of defense system. The military would exist purely for aesthetic reasons. Chuck Norris would personally train the entire U.S. military, and even donate his beard clippings to make Kevlar vests and other bullet proof materials.

2) Environmental Sustainability: Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick), and if tapped a single Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick could power the United States, along with the rest of the world, infinitely. 

1) He is Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris is better at everything than everyone who has ever existed and will exist. He has broken every record imaginable, and the only person who could ever beat Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. It goes without saying 

Electing Chuck Norris as President of the United States is the  best and only way to fix every problem not only in the United States, but also worldwide! It is also the only way world peace will come about. Chuck Norris is the way to a better tomorrow!

Chuck Norris for 2012 President of the United States!!!!

Five Reasons Women Hate Me

Recently it has come to my attention that women hate me. Why? Simply because I exist. I haven't done anything to "provoke" said hatred, however it seems to be quite abundant.

I've been attempting to come up with a logical explanation for this phenomena. Perhaps I'm too bitchy? Maybe a horrible person? ... but then my true friends tell me to stop being stupid because I am none of those.Over the last few weeks here is what I have come up with so far:

5) They feel inferior because my GPA is bigger than theirs! Intelligence is threatening to some people. I personally don't think I am particularly intelligent, but I have been told that this is one of the many factors which attribute to females hating me.

4) I have awesome fashion sense, I mean look at the picture to the right... there is a freaking bird on my sweater!!! How awesome is that? If you are wanting one of these lovely creations you are out of luck. I fashioned this snazzy number out of Christmas tree decorations and staples - true story!

If you are legitimately wondering why the heck I would wear such an ugly thing, it is because I entered an ugly sweater contest. Needless to say, I won.

3) I have a pretty sweet mustache. I've been growing it for almost 24 years! I get compliments about it all the time. Try not to be too jealous of me though. I mean, it's not a "real" mustache... With enough practice your mustache can be as awesome as mine... maybe!

If you're not able to perfect the finger mustache, you do have the option of buying a stick-on mustache. You can even get one for your car!

2) I particularly enjoy being in the kitchen <--- true story! Whenever anyone tells me to get back to the kitchen, I am more than happy to oblige. Being in the kitchen brings me immense joy, which cannot be obtained by being in the living room, laundry room, or even the hallway. The kitchen is a happy place for me. I could spend hours on end in the kitchen making delicious treats.

In all seriousness, I do enjoy cooking/baking, and would honestly like to start my own bakery one day... *fingers crossed it happens!* The cupcakes on the right are actually cupcakes I made. They were margarita cupcakes, and they tasted pretty darn fantastic. If I remember correctly, I made 48 of them for Cinco de Mayo, and they were demolished! 

1) I have a Harry Potter outfit, which includes a cape. I'm pretty sure this needs no explanation. This outfit has a cape, so it is amazing by default! Try not to be too jealous of me... you can get your very own in a Halloween store, which happen to be opening at this time of year. I don't usually like dressing up, but last Halloween I decided to give it a go again. I definitely enjoyed myself. I didn't really appreciate the sexual jokes about magic wands and such, but I guess that can't be helped.

On a side note: the shoes didn't come with the outfit, but I'm sure you can find something to match the outfit.

My life's ambition is not to please anyone else. I'm going to act, dress, and be who I want to be, not who you want me to be! If my existence offends you, too bad. You and your ovaries can get over it!

Creepers - ruining beautiful moments since forever!

Today I went on a wonderful 21 mile bike ride. The sun was shining, the scenery was beautiful, and there was a lovely ocean breeze. Some people would probably cringe at the very thought of such an activity, but I thought it would be the perfect way for me to spend my one day off this week.

Initially I planned to do a 20 mile bike ride. I mapped out my route, and set out. Along the way I encountered a couple of people who waved or politely said hi, but nothing too bad. I was pretty thrilled that I was being left alone for the majority of the ride. At the half way point I decided to take a detour to the beach. I like to go there to just sit and think... and clear my mind.

I stopped at the beach, and the scenery was so beautiful I decided to take a photo. So there I was, taking a picture, when some creeper said hi to me. I ignored him, and proceeded to take another picture. For some reason this idiot felt that my ignoring him was an invitation to sit in front of me with his guitar and attempt to talk to me. It wasn't. When he sat down, he asked me how my bike was. I said "it's good," and rode off.

My beautiful beach moment was ruined by a creeper! So here, creeper. Here is a note I have composed from the bottom of my heart. I hope you enjoy it!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Creeper,

Why would you even attempt to confront a woman who is by herself? I was clearly ignoring you / not even acknowledging your existence. Do you think I want to be hit on by stupid creepers? NO, I don't! Do us both a favor, and prevent yourself from seeming like a rapist, don't approach females when they are alone in a semi-secluded area. Hell, don't approach them at all if they look like they want to be left alone. It's not like I was sitting there looking around for someone to talk to. I was still on my bike, taking a picture!

Sincerely,

Me

P.s. I'm not impressed by the fact that you can play the guitar. I can play the guitar, piano, and violin. You actually sucked at playing the guitar.

F-you Life!

Generally I have pretty bad luck with life. This last week I realized some pretty good friends aren't as "good" as I thought, my ex decided to "be nice" to me (which also means he felt the need to give me hypocritical advice), found out a friend is just using me for their own personal agenda, and just when I thought it couldn't get worse, I get a flat tire on the way to work which means I couldn't hang out with one of my best friends tonight. What makes that worse is that she leaving the country in less than a month (my timing may be slightly off, but I'm still pretty disappointed).

This week has been pretty rough! I was expecting it to continue to be horrid, but (I am happy to say) the tides have turned. When I went to get the tire replaced, it was free! I brought new rear tires earlier this year for Hugo, (my car), so they were under warranty. I was not expecting this because as I was driving along the freeway a nail went into the tire. I am beyond happy right now! Hugo and I are happily reunited once again, and we shall stay together for quite some time... I hope so anyway!

When is it okay to touch a waitresses ass?

Answer: NEVER! You would think this would be common sense, but some pervert brushed his hand against my butt, and it was not by accident! The douche had plenty of space to go past me without doing this, so why would he do it? Because he is a disgusting pervert! I feel incredibly sorry for his wife, who coincidentally had 2 glasses of chardonnay (and probably more alcoholic beverages when she got home). My entire day was ruined from this experience. So thank you, jerk!

Restaurant Etiquette - Don't have it? Go to McDonalds!

Ever since I started working in the food service industry I have seen some pretty interesting things... the good, bad, and ugly of the food service industry. The restaurants I have worked for have actually been pretty outstanding, which is pretty outstanding considering the last couple are sushi restaurants which serve raw fish.  Using my experience working in restaurants, I have come up with 5 tips for visiting American restaurants:

5) Just because you are being waited on, doesn't mean your server is your slave. I have had people talk down to me, speaking as though I wasn't even worthy of touching their dirty plates. Little do they know that their server graduated top of their class, and was offered full tuition scholarships to 4 private universities. Don't act like you are better than people!

4) If your server forgets something, don't be afraid to ask for it again. A simple "was my [insert food or drink item] coming out?" This is particularly important if it is a busy restaurant. If I forget something I feel horrible, and I would rather be told multiple times, than just before a customer leaves. When I am serving, I really do aim to provide the very best service possible, so if a customer doesn't get what they want I am not happy. 

3) You are not the only / most important person in the restaurant, so wait patiently. Chances are, your server is doing the best they can to get everything you want to your table or booth. While you a waiting enjoy the conversation of your company. If food is taking a long time and you are starving, ask your server if there are any appetizers which don't take very much time to come out.

2) A simple please and thank you go a long way. When people ask for things politely and say thank you it really does make my day. Even if I have a ton of things on my mind (work related or not) it really does brighten my day to have a customer genuinely thank me. 

1) Tip at least 20 percent if you received good service. Nowadays it is the norm in America to tip 20 percent. I will admit to tipping under 20 percent, but that is because I am originally from a country where people don't expect tips (it's not a social norm). If you got all your food and the server was friendly, tip them accordingly. I have had people who tipped me absolutely nothing, and I did everything correctly. One of the people actually owned a sushi restaurant herself, so you would think she would have tipped something, but she did not.

The customers I have throughout the day really do impact how I feel at the end of the night. If they were all rude I end up feeling pretty shitty. If I have at least 1 kind, polite customer I go home incredibly happy. I somewhat doubt any of my favorite customer's will read this, but if they are I want to say thank you for being amazing! You really do make my days better!

There is such a thing as bad service, and if you notice it then more likely than not the server's boss or manager will too. If you have any questions about anything else regarding my experience working in restaurants, feel free to leave a comment and I will answer it.

Australian Hate Mail

Yesterday I received 2 harassing emails from Australians. It was particularly awkward because I couldn't quite get past all of the spelling and grammar errors the Aussies wrote. If you actually know me, it will be no surprise to you that I was deeply troubled by the atrocious emails.

Aussie and Proud writes: "Ur just bloody jealous of australians because no one gives a s*#t about new zealanders and you know it. Your countries not even acknowledged."

Well, hello to you too! I actually didn't have anything against Australians, but thanks for making me question my views! With that said, I do have one pointer for you and your fellow countryman who decided to harrass me: learn to write correctly if you are going to attempt to insult someone! Chances are they won't take you seriously, nor will they care, if you cannot even form a correct sentence.

1. "Ur" is not a word, it is you're.
2. "australians" is supposed to be capitalized as is "New Zealanders."
3. "countries is the plural for country... unless I stated that I was from various countries, it is country. 

Here is the correct way of writing your "insult": "You're just bloody jealous of Australians because no one gives a s*#t about New Zealanders and you know it. Your country is not even acknowledged."
Aussie Bloke writes: "Just another Kiwi who is upset with the fact that they people mistaken them for being an Aussie. No need to make yourself look really stupid mate." 

1. The first "sentence" is a fragment, which means it is not complete.
2. Reconsider the use of "they."
3. "Mistaken" is the incorrect conjugation of the verb mistake.
4. The second "sentence" is also fragmented. 
5. When addressing anyone in a sentence a coma is needed.

Here is the correct way of writing your "insult": "You're just another Kiwi who is upset with the fact that people mistake them for an Aussie. There is no need to make yourself look really stupid, mate."

I have friends from all around the world who say that they learn Oceania, not Australia (and many of these friends went to very elite schools). Additionally, the head of the honors program at my school personally apologized to me for having maps mislabeled. It was really awesome of you to send hate mail to a girl... really awesome of you! Clearly you are top notch individuals.

Now to address the real matter at hand! The internet is a public forum where people are free to express their ideas and opinions no matter what they are. If you feel so strongly about the matter at hand, write your own damn blog instead of harassing a girl. Heck, if you feel like llamas are going to take over the world, write about it -- as I stated earlier, you are more than free to do so. The internet also allows you to view what you want, when you want it... which brings up my next question: why did you even read my blog? The name clearly stated the content... it's not like I tricked you into reading it. If you don't like it, close the tab or browser!

To those who don’t already know, New Zealanders and Australians have a love hate relationship. Sure we tease each other, but when it comes down to it we don’t actually have anything against each other (with the exception of the rude males who messaged me). For example, last week I had an awesome conversation with an Aussie. We are from the same part of the world for goodness sake!!!

I am proud to be a New Zealander, and that will never change! My country is absolutely beautiful and has a rich cultural heritage. With that said, I would greatly appreciate it if the individuals who messaged me would kindly refrain from harassing me (and yes, it is harassment – look it up in the dictionary if you don’t believe me). No need to make yourself look stupid, mates!