*Disclaimer: Before any viscous rumors spread about me being "anti-American", let me explicitly state: I do not hate America! I am living in the United States right now, and if I hated it so much, why the hell wouldn't I go back home? Also, I do not claim to be fat. In this blog I am merely stating that I should take action towards a healthier lifestyle. Or in other words, I would like to have a more active lifestyle again. I mean, yesterday I had two bowls of ice cream, today I ate birthday cake... that is just a taste of my unhealthy ways! Needless to say, I need to do something before it affects my health. Now we have that out of the way, I can actually begin my blog.
I really don't know of anyone who would categorize me as "fat"... in fact, I'm sure there are quite a few people who would want to slap me for even suggesting it. If you are wondering what I look like, to the right is a picture of me, taken last week - try to contain yourselves! I know I look fabulous - hahahahahaha!!!! No make-up, messing hair, and hobo leggings are so incredibly flattering / not really. As you can see from the picture of me, I'm not "fat" per se. I have gained a little weight while in America, but I'm not "fat". The only reason I called this blog "America Has Made Me Fat!" is because I needed a catchy blog title. This blog is really about me feeling incredibly unfit / like a slob! It really is my own fault for being such a lazy slob, but being a student and having a desk job have not exactly helped me out.
Anyway, instead of sitting on my butt complaining about it, I have decided to do something about it. This last weekend I made a sad attempt to get in shape, but that whole idea miserably failed when my shins started to hurt... then when I got home my knee was clicking for a good minute or so (my body loves me!). Even in spite of my body's protest against action, I do plan on changing things though! And now that I've told the whole world, I had better actually do something about it. Today I signed up to a gym again, because I'm gangster like that. My new years goal is going to be to make girls hate me even more than they already do, haha... just kidding! But seriously, it would be kinda awesome to get to that level of fitness.
Recently I deleted a ton of people on my Facebook. Why you ask? Because I felt like it! I don't have room in my life for fake liars who are attempting to bring me down. I actually deleted almost 50 people.. I'm working on getting my friend number down - yes, I'm weird. Deal with it! In light of my most recent deletion, I shall notify the world why I may have deleted specific people from my friends list, and hopefully my life.
Reason 1) I don't talk to you. If we don't actually talk, why would I want to be friends on Facebook? That's just a pointless waste of space.
Reason 2) We were never really real friends. If you are fake, I'm more than okay either deleting you myself, or you deleting me.
Reason 3) I only added you to be polite. Yes, I occasionally add people because I feel obligated to do so. After a while, I do delete those people, when they least expect it / won't notice (I hope they don't anyway).
Reason 4) You talk about being a slut or partying way too much. I really don't care that you are a whore, nor do I care about how you go out partying all the time. Great way to live your life if you feel like dying at an early age from liver failure. Enjoy!
Reason 5) Mutual disdain. There have been occurrences where I have deleted people for this reason, or been deleted. As stated in reason two, I'm more than okay if you delete me.
Reason 6) You are incredibly annoying. There are some people who just rub you the wrong way. When the opportunity arises, I delete them. Yay for getting rid of annoying people!!!!
Reason 7) You are a dirty liar. I do not tolerate liars. If you like to me, you are on "The List". What is that you ask? The list of people I despise / don't trust. Not a list you want to be on if you are ever expecting me to help you out with anything.
Reason 8) You spread rumors or lies about me around. Yes, this has happened. I know of at least 2 people who have done this, and thankfully, they are gone from my life. Unfortunately they deleted me before I was given the opportunity, but that does prevent me from getting awkward messages like: "why did you delete me... I thought we were friends." If either party deletes you, chances are there was never a real friendship.
Reason 9) You have made numerous attempts to "get with me" despite my not giving any inclination it would ever happen. If you are in this group, get over yourself. Perhaps consider that you're not G-d's gift to mankind? I'm sure you're a great person and all, but as I have said in my previous blog: Sorry, I'm not into polygamy...
Reason 10) I just don't like you. As The Plain White T's say: "hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you." There are just some people who rub you the wrong way.
In closing, if I delete you I either don't like you, or really don't have any feelings either way. If you don't like me, delete me. I hope this blog encourages my audience to delete all of the fake "friends" in their lives - make room for people who actually care!
I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but people are dumb! Really, through my job I have been exposed to the true ignorance of the general population. Before I was in a nice bubble of intelligence at my school, but after being thrust into the cold dark world which is full of people who don't even know simple spelling and grammar rules I am stunned! To be fair, I may just have encountered people who need to go back to kindergarten by chance, but that doesn't change my mind. I like to use large words which confuse the living daylights out of these people. The horrors which I have beheld have compelled me to give my audience an English lesson!!! I know that the excitement is almost overwhelming, but please try to compose yourself.
Lesson one: The use of 'there', 'their', and 'they're
Yes, these words do sound the same, but their meaning and intended use is different = SHOCKING! There means: in or at that place (opposite to here), at that point in an action, or into or to that place. Examples: "we went there last," "they stopped there to rest," and "She is over there." Their is the possessive form of the word 'they'. It is also used in place of the definite masculine form of 'his' or the definite feminine form for 'her'. Examples:"their car, their feelings, their departure for New Zealand," "someone left their book on the table," and "did everyone bring their lunch." They're is a contraction of they are. If you don't know what contraction means in this case: putting the two words together, so they're = they are!
Get it? If not, you had better do some additional research before writing me a letter!
Lesson 2: Misusing the word 'literally'
Anyone who reads The Oatmeal will know exactly what I am talking about! When you say the word 'literally' it means "actually or without exaggeration." So if you plan on saying "I literally died laughing," you had better be dead! When you use the word 'literally' it means that whatever "literally" happened, actually happened. I realize this may be a difficult concept to grasp for some people, but seriously, for the good of all mankind learn to use the word correctly. If that isn't enough info, check out what the oatmeal has to say about the word 'Literally'.
And that is all for now. Perhaps in the future I shall continue this lesson... I sincerely hope that at least one person on the planet who reads this will start using 'there', 'their', and 'they're' correctly, and thinks about the next time they throw out the word 'literally'. Like my mother always said: "think before you open your mouth," or in some cases write.
Yes, I am going to burn down life's house. How will I do it you ask? With combustible lemons!!! Sure they don't exist yet, but Cage Johnson is getting his engineers to work on them. I am also asking my engineering friend to work on the whole combustible lemon thing too.
The reason I am so aggravated with life is because this weekend started off on a rather sour note. I left work feeling rather drained, and was excited to leave and spend time with a certain special someone. Little did I know that life had other plans... I mean, I got to spend time with the person, but after I was in a car accident. Thanks a lot life!!!! I'm fine and everything, but it was rather inconsiderate if you ask me.
Needless to say, I am not too thrilled with the things life have decided to throw at me. I am incredibly thankful for the people I hold dear to me, but really? A car accident was necessary? Obviously I'm going to say no, but perhaps the big guy upstairs has other plans for me, which will be put in motion though me being traumatized in a car accident.... HA! I will believe it when I see it. One thing I have learned from this whole ordeal is to never trust anyone driving a big truck!!!! They block your view of traffic in front of you, and erratically drive / cause accidents in which they are not injured or affected. Of course there are a few exceptions to this, however, I can count on one hand the drivers of big trucks that I trust (my mother in New Zealand being one of them).
If anyone speaks to life, let it know to be prepared... I am working on the lemons...
Sorry guys, if you were expecting me to profess my deep like for an actual human being, you're out of luck. Instead, you get to read a lovely letter which I have composed, and am considering sending. Depending on my feedback, I might actually submit this letter!
Now, before we get to the meat, let me give you a little back-story. Tonight I went to visit my future apartment (which is amazing). While walking from my car to the apartment, I noticed that a few lights were out, so it was somewhat dark walking there. Naturally, my immediate thought was to compose a ridiculous letter, which I may or may not send, in my mind. Here it is....
Dear Apartment Complex,
I know you don't know me. I'm a future resident who is contacting you regarding path illumination.
I like you a lot! You're incredibly attractive, and pretty freaking awesome, but I would greatly appreciate it if you would consider fixing the lights which illuminate the paths near my future home. It would be incredibly helpful if I could see any predators who are stalking me. Even though that may cost you money, I feel like the opportunity cost for my getting raped would be much higher than a few light-bulbs.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.
