*Disclaimer: Before any viscous rumors spread about me being "anti-American", let me explicitly state: I do not hate America! I am living in the United States right now, and if I hated it so much, why the hell wouldn't I go back home? Also, I do not claim to be fat. In this blog I am merely stating that I should take action towards a healthier lifestyle. Or in other words, I would like to have a more active lifestyle again. I mean, yesterday I had two bowls of ice cream, today I ate birthday cake... that is just a taste of my unhealthy ways! Needless to say, I need to do something before it affects my health. Now we have that out of the way, I can actually begin my blog.
I really don't know of anyone who would categorize me as "fat"... in fact, I'm sure there are quite a few people who would want to slap me for even suggesting it. If you are wondering what I look like, to the right is a picture of me, taken last week - try to contain yourselves! I know I look fabulous - hahahahahaha!!!! No make-up, messing hair, and hobo leggings are so incredibly flattering / not really. As you can see from the picture of me, I'm not "fat" per se. I have gained a little weight while in America, but I'm not "fat". The only reason I called this blog "America Has Made Me Fat!" is because I needed a catchy blog title. This blog is really about me feeling incredibly unfit / like a slob! It really is my own fault for being such a lazy slob, but being a student and having a desk job have not exactly helped me out.
Anyway, instead of sitting on my butt complaining about it, I have decided to do something about it. This last weekend I made a sad attempt to get in shape, but that whole idea miserably failed when my shins started to hurt... then when I got home my knee was clicking for a good minute or so (my body loves me!). Even in spite of my body's protest against action, I do plan on changing things though! And now that I've told the whole world, I had better actually do something about it. Today I signed up to a gym again, because I'm gangster like that. My new years goal is going to be to make girls hate me even more than they already do, haha... just kidding! But seriously, it would be kinda awesome to get to that level of fitness.
Recently I deleted a ton of people on my Facebook. Why you ask? Because I felt like it! I don't have room in my life for fake liars who are attempting to bring me down. I actually deleted almost 50 people.. I'm working on getting my friend number down - yes, I'm weird. Deal with it! In light of my most recent deletion, I shall notify the world why I may have deleted specific people from my friends list, and hopefully my life.
Reason 1) I don't talk to you. If we don't actually talk, why would I want to be friends on Facebook? That's just a pointless waste of space.
Reason 2) We were never really real friends. If you are fake, I'm more than okay either deleting you myself, or you deleting me.
Reason 3) I only added you to be polite. Yes, I occasionally add people because I feel obligated to do so. After a while, I do delete those people, when they least expect it / won't notice (I hope they don't anyway).
Reason 4) You talk about being a slut or partying way too much. I really don't care that you are a whore, nor do I care about how you go out partying all the time. Great way to live your life if you feel like dying at an early age from liver failure. Enjoy!
Reason 5) Mutual disdain. There have been occurrences where I have deleted people for this reason, or been deleted. As stated in reason two, I'm more than okay if you delete me.
Reason 6) You are incredibly annoying. There are some people who just rub you the wrong way. When the opportunity arises, I delete them. Yay for getting rid of annoying people!!!!
Reason 7) You are a dirty liar. I do not tolerate liars. If you like to me, you are on "The List". What is that you ask? The list of people I despise / don't trust. Not a list you want to be on if you are ever expecting me to help you out with anything.
Reason 8) You spread rumors or lies about me around. Yes, this has happened. I know of at least 2 people who have done this, and thankfully, they are gone from my life. Unfortunately they deleted me before I was given the opportunity, but that does prevent me from getting awkward messages like: "why did you delete me... I thought we were friends." If either party deletes you, chances are there was never a real friendship.
Reason 9) You have made numerous attempts to "get with me" despite my not giving any inclination it would ever happen. If you are in this group, get over yourself. Perhaps consider that you're not G-d's gift to mankind? I'm sure you're a great person and all, but as I have said in my previous blog: Sorry, I'm not into polygamy...
Reason 10) I just don't like you. As The Plain White T's say: "hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you." There are just some people who rub you the wrong way.
In closing, if I delete you I either don't like you, or really don't have any feelings either way. If you don't like me, delete me. I hope this blog encourages my audience to delete all of the fake "friends" in their lives - make room for people who actually care!
I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but people are dumb! Really, through my job I have been exposed to the true ignorance of the general population. Before I was in a nice bubble of intelligence at my school, but after being thrust into the cold dark world which is full of people who don't even know simple spelling and grammar rules I am stunned! To be fair, I may just have encountered people who need to go back to kindergarten by chance, but that doesn't change my mind. I like to use large words which confuse the living daylights out of these people. The horrors which I have beheld have compelled me to give my audience an English lesson!!! I know that the excitement is almost overwhelming, but please try to compose yourself.
Lesson one: The use of 'there', 'their', and 'they're
Yes, these words do sound the same, but their meaning and intended use is different = SHOCKING! There means: in or at that place (opposite to here), at that point in an action, or into or to that place. Examples: "we went there last," "they stopped there to rest," and "She is over there." Their is the possessive form of the word 'they'. It is also used in place of the definite masculine form of 'his' or the definite feminine form for 'her'. Examples:"their car, their feelings, their departure for New Zealand," "someone left their book on the table," and "did everyone bring their lunch." They're is a contraction of they are. If you don't know what contraction means in this case: putting the two words together, so they're = they are!
Get it? If not, you had better do some additional research before writing me a letter!
Lesson 2: Misusing the word 'literally'
Anyone who reads The Oatmeal will know exactly what I am talking about! When you say the word 'literally' it means "actually or without exaggeration." So if you plan on saying "I literally died laughing," you had better be dead! When you use the word 'literally' it means that whatever "literally" happened, actually happened. I realize this may be a difficult concept to grasp for some people, but seriously, for the good of all mankind learn to use the word correctly. If that isn't enough info, check out what the oatmeal has to say about the word 'Literally'.
And that is all for now. Perhaps in the future I shall continue this lesson... I sincerely hope that at least one person on the planet who reads this will start using 'there', 'their', and 'they're' correctly, and thinks about the next time they throw out the word 'literally'. Like my mother always said: "think before you open your mouth," or in some cases write.
Yes, I am going to burn down life's house. How will I do it you ask? With combustible lemons!!! Sure they don't exist yet, but Cage Johnson is getting his engineers to work on them. I am also asking my engineering friend to work on the whole combustible lemon thing too.
The reason I am so aggravated with life is because this weekend started off on a rather sour note. I left work feeling rather drained, and was excited to leave and spend time with a certain special someone. Little did I know that life had other plans... I mean, I got to spend time with the person, but after I was in a car accident. Thanks a lot life!!!! I'm fine and everything, but it was rather inconsiderate if you ask me.
Needless to say, I am not too thrilled with the things life have decided to throw at me. I am incredibly thankful for the people I hold dear to me, but really? A car accident was necessary? Obviously I'm going to say no, but perhaps the big guy upstairs has other plans for me, which will be put in motion though me being traumatized in a car accident.... HA! I will believe it when I see it. One thing I have learned from this whole ordeal is to never trust anyone driving a big truck!!!! They block your view of traffic in front of you, and erratically drive / cause accidents in which they are not injured or affected. Of course there are a few exceptions to this, however, I can count on one hand the drivers of big trucks that I trust (my mother in New Zealand being one of them).
If anyone speaks to life, let it know to be prepared... I am working on the lemons...
Sorry guys, if you were expecting me to profess my deep like for an actual human being, you're out of luck. Instead, you get to read a lovely letter which I have composed, and am considering sending. Depending on my feedback, I might actually submit this letter!
Now, before we get to the meat, let me give you a little back-story. Tonight I went to visit my future apartment (which is amazing). While walking from my car to the apartment, I noticed that a few lights were out, so it was somewhat dark walking there. Naturally, my immediate thought was to compose a ridiculous letter, which I may or may not send, in my mind. Here it is....
Dear Apartment Complex,
I know you don't know me. I'm a future resident who is contacting you regarding path illumination.
I like you a lot! You're incredibly attractive, and pretty freaking awesome, but I would greatly appreciate it if you would consider fixing the lights which illuminate the paths near my future home. It would be incredibly helpful if I could see any predators who are stalking me. Even though that may cost you money, I feel like the opportunity cost for my getting raped would be much higher than a few light-bulbs.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.
I'm flattered by your interest. While it is nice to know that I am attractive and all, I regret to inform you that I am not available, nor am I interested.
To all the guys out there who seem to think I am a free agent, if it wasn't obvious by the prior sentence I want to make it explicitly clear, I am not available! Even more heart-wrenching news to said men, I'm not into polygamy. Monogamy is kinda my thing, and that's not about to change.
I hope you are not too heartbroken, and you can understand where I am coming from... a happy place that does not involve you.
For almost 4 years I have wanted a keytar. If you don't know what a keytar is, click here... if you had to click there, I am judging you. Also, if you don't think keytars are awesome, I hate you!
Reason 1: They sound awesome. It's like having a keyboard and synthesizer all in one, instead of having a billion wires everywhere.
Reason 2: Keytars are light and portable. Have you tried lugging around a keyboard? And I don't mean one of those light crappy ones. The heavy, decent sounding ones (I'm elitist when it comes to keyboards). When I was in a band I had to carry one around... not fun!
Reason 3: Lights! Yes, I said Lights because that is her name. I'm pretty sure she changed it legally = kinda awesome if you ask me. Lights is a Canadian musician who is kinda amazing. She's adorable, has a great voice, and plays the keytar on top of it all. If you watch any of her vlogs on youtube, you will also see that she has an amazing personality / sense of humor. As Charlie Sheen would say: "Epic winning." Lights is one of my favorite musicians ^_^
Reason 4: I said they are cool, therefore, they are. Lets face it, if you are reading my blog you are expecting to read my opinion... so one could argue that my opinion is important. Don't worry guys, I'm not narcissistic! I really do care about your opinions too! Feel free to comment ^_^
Reason 5: Very few people actually own a keytar in comparison to a guitar. Everyone and their uncle owns a guitar! I find it annoy to follow trends, so one day I will own a keytar. Due to the lack of funds in my keytar savings I am not able to afford one just yet (sadly university has taken the bulk of both my income and savings).
To summarize, keytars are amazing! I want one, and so should you! I will leave you with Lights song Saviour...
Recently someone has been trying to tell me that Google is not all it's cracked up to be. This person is WRONG! Seriously!!! Yes, Google may be taking over almost every aspect of our lives, but I still say it is fantastic, and this is why...
Reason 1) Google Suggestions: I feel that this YouTube video can really show this more effectively than anything I could actually say...
Reason 2) Go to Google and type in "do a barrel roll"... you are welcome!
Reason 3) Go to Google Maps and get directions from Japan to California, or from Japan to China... I don't know about you, but I'd get pretty darn tired after kayaking across the pacific ocean! When a friend of mine suggested it I seriously doubted that this would actually come up. I was pleasantly surprised.
Reason 4) Go to Google and type in "Chuck Norris", and click on "I'm feeling Lucky." The search results are incredibly fitting for Mr. Norris.
Reason 5) Angry Birds: Yes, I did say Angry Birds. I am somewhat obsessed with this game, and it is available as an application on Google Chrome. This is only one of the best internet browsers out there. I don't use anything else, unless absolutely necessary. LOVE IT!
I would continue the list, however, I feel that Google shows how amazing it is without my having to do anything. If you have anything extra to add to the list, feel free to comment.
The continents of the world: Africa, America, Antarctica, Asia, Europe, South America, and Oceania...
If Oceania doesn't sound familiar to you are more than likely from the United States. And I just want to throw this out there, but the continent of "Australia" doesn't exist! Please save yourself from sounding like an idiot and kindly refrain from making such a horrendous mistake. The actual name off the continent is Oceania. And to those who disagree with me, I am pretty sure someone FROM the continent would know are from. When I first heard about the phantom continent of Australia I was deeply confused. When I figured out that the maps which are distributed in the United States are actually... mislabeled I was shocked and kinda disturbed. Now I'm trying to be as PC as possible, but this actually annoys me a lot, so please have a little understanding.
I get that Australia is the largest land mass in Oceania, but really? I feel like Americans should be given a little credit here... they kinda learn about 50 states AND have to spell Massachusetts... I mean seriously? that is not an easy word to spell! I'm more than sure that actually giving the correct name of a continent is not too difficult to grasp. Whatever the reason, if you try to tell me I am from Australia, I will be highly offended. I am not from Australia, have never been there, and probably will never go there in the future. If it does continue, I may just say that North America is named Canada...
Some people are blessed with an amazing sense of style. Others are... seriously lacking in the style department. In order to help all you out there avoid some of the biggest fashion faux pas, I have compiled a list of the top 10 things you should never wear! And if I catch any of you wearing anything on this list, I will cross the street just to avoid being in your presence...
1) Stripes and spots together
I was taught this as a child: never under any circumstances wear stripes and spots together. It's one of the first fashion "rules" most people learn. I shouldn't have to explain why, but will anyway. It's awkward, looks hideous, and almost everyone in their right mind knows not to do this! Way too many things going on at one time!
2) Bigfoot Boots (or fuzzy boots)
These are absolutely hideous! I'm sorry, but it looks like you cut off a large furry animal's feet and are wearing them. Nothing about them is right! I understand that people are concerned about keeping their feet warm, but there are better ways... wearing 2 pairs of socks, other boots that don't look so grotesque... Seriously, they are ugly! If you think otherwise, may the Lord have mercy on your poor tasteless soul!
3) The Visible Thong
Again another, slap in your face obvious faux pas, but you have no idea how many people I see doing this. It is my firm belief that unless you are a whore or prostitute, attempting to sell your services don't do it. If you happen to be one, please refrain from doing so in view of the innocent public. This just screams out "tacky whore."
4) Socks and Sandals
Feet are just creepy in general, so this no-no makes me shudder. Do not under any circumstances leave your house in socks and sandals! Seriously, put some shoes on if you're going to wear socks!
This rule has only one exception. If you are in Japan, it is okay. Outside of Japan, don't leave the house!
5) Stained Clothing
Wearing clothing with visible stains just screams "trailer trash." I mean... if that's the look you're going for, be my guest, but you're going to look like a dirty slob! If there is a stain, wash your clothes! If it won't come out, throw it away!
6) Jeans that are too tight
As the go-to item in many wardrobes, jeans are often abused by people who want to believe they are still the same size as they were in high school. When wearing jeans that are too tight a person gets what is called a "muffin-top." As shown in the picture, your love handles hang over your hips and look like a muffin. This is in no way attractive! If you find your jeans starting to feel a little snug, it is better to go out and buy a new pair. You will look and feel better without the constriction.
7) Jeans that are too Baggy
Jeans can not only be too tight, but also too baggy. It has become a "trend" for young boys and men to wear their pants practically around their ankles. This is just wrong! No, I do not want to see your ass, and I am not interested in looking at your underwear! Another fun fact: sagging was originally used in prisons for inmate to show each other that they were "available" to have adult relations with another inmate. Is that the image you are wanting to portray? You are "available" for adult relations...
8) Skin Colored Leggings
A friend of mine actually posted this picture on Facebook the other day... the person (not quite sure if it's a man or woman) looks like they aren't wearing pants, when in reality they are. If you have a shirt, skirt, or dress that covers your bum it's okay, but really? You would have to be taking some sort of illicit substance to even consider this look!
9) A Snuggie outside of home
Now don't get me wrong, I am all for being comfortable / cozy, but unless you are at home, please do not wear a snuggie. It makes you look like a slob who is in some kind of cult... what am I supposed to think? I'll probably think you sacrifice puppies and kittens... so wrong on so many levels! If you own a snuggie, please only wear it in the comfort of your own home!
10) An Animal Tail
And I saved the worst for last! I mean really... what the hell???? A tail? Can someone please tell me what on earth would provoke an individual to wear a tail? I've actually seen people wearing them, and my immediate thought was "are they on crack?" People are not supposed to have tails! If I see anyone wearing a tail, I may just have to walk up behind them and cut it off... just saying!
Friday, October 7, 2011
"Oh that I had wings like a dove, for then I would fly away and be at rest. Then I would wander far off, and remain in the wilderness."
Back in the day I had a dream... that dream was to go to Juilliard and study classical piano. Sadly, because I fail at life that dream never became a reality, and now my piano skills are lacking to say the least. Basically, compared to when I used to play, I FAIL! It's pretty sad and pathetic.
Even though I fail, I want to attempt to get as good as I used to be. I decided this when I watched this epic video of a guy named Andy Johnson playing "Chopsticks" on YouTube...
All of the songs in the video are ones I have either learned or wanted to learn. When I am able to, I really do need to get a keyboard and start playing again. The possibility of my getting to the level of epicness that is Andy Johnson is... well, slim to none. A girl can try though...
Apparently I am a weird foreigner... why? Because I think that people should not drive 100 miles an hour in the rain. Call me crazy, but I believe in this strange phenomena called hydroplaning. It's this weird thing that happens when water builds up between tires and the road surface. What's the big deal? Well, there is this other crazy thing called traction, and this makes it so you can tell your car what to do. Your car basically becomes a sled! Yay for out of control 100 mile and hour crazyness! *insert sarcastic laugh*
But hey, don't listen to me, totally fine. I'll just laugh at you when you get into a horrible accident, rendering your body useless... okay, I will visit you in hospital and feel bad for you, but in my defense... I tried to warn you!
And with that, I will leave you with a song: "Rain is a Good Thing" (it totally is... just saying).
Today I received proposal number eight. Yes, I have been proposed to eight times. And no, I am not going to name drop on in this ever so public arena... I am a lady! And a lady never does atrocious things such as slander a person's name!
So there I was, sitting safely behind my desk... at least I thought it was safe. A brother and sister come in because they need to collect something from my boss. Of course I was being polite, making small talk, while also inputting data into my computer. I guess I'm pretty good at customer service because the guy was like: "so, lets get married." Obviously I was taken aback... I mean, it's happened to me once before (an office proposal by a complete stranger), but you are never really prepared for that type of thing. Anyways, I politely declined his proposal.
I thought number seven was for real... didn't quite work out. But that came while he and I were studying together (I thought it was sweet at the time).
Six was at my old job at MiraCosta College. Some random guy came in for help and before he was about to leave he said: "Excuse me miss... but would you please marry me." He was completely serious... it was awkward! All I could say was: "No thank you."
Fivewas a friend of mine. Funny / sweet offer. He had always liked me.
Four was a good friend of mine. Not actually wanting to marry me... more if I was ever in a bind, he would do that to help me. Very sweet of him, but I would never do that.
Three, Two, and onewere all ex-boyfriends... I think the lack of marriage certificate speaks for all three proposals.
Unfortunately hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people every year are affected by breakups. Sometimes they are absolutely devastating... sometimes people couldn't care less. Whatever the reason of a break up, there are rules and etiquette which MUST be followed. Many of these rules should be almost second nature to people, or are followed instinctively. If for some reason they are not, or you are completely clueless about the world of dating, I have complied a quick top ten list of break up rules.
Rule 1) Don't be a classless eunuch!
If you are the one doing the breaking up, only break up in person! Not text! Not phone! Not email, or anything else!!!! If you break up with someone, at least have the common decency to do it in person. It is not fair on either party, plus it's tacky. Anyways, unless done in person, it is the lowest of the low, and shows that you have absolutely no class. If a man, it hints that you are a eunuch, and a woman you will just be a classless tramp. I mean really, have a little respect!!! It would be better if you slapped the person across the face. If you are going to break up with someone, have the guts to say it to their face, otherwise you will be forever branded as a eunuch.
And yes, if you are an ex of mine that has not followed this rule, I perceive you as a tacky, classless eunuch!
Rule 2) Put down the spoon! Do not let yourself go!!!! Yes, you are sad... yes that ice cream or chocolate or whatever else you are craving to take the pain away may sound amazing at this very moment, but please drop the spoon!!!!!No amount of food is going to heal your broken heart. If you feel you must smother those feelings, do something else. My personal favorite is going to the gym and working out for 1-2 hours... for some of you that may be too drastic. Maybe instead take up yoga, go for long walks, reflect on yourself. Working out releases endorphins... endorphins make you happy. Also, are you really going to be happy with an extra 5+ pounds? I think not!
If you are like me, and accidentally loose weight after a break up (hate me all you want), make sure that you are eating enough food. Yeah, you may feel like throwing up at the thought of eating, but nobody wants to look like a skeleton!
Rule 3) Revenge is not the best medicine!
Seriously, who are you really hurting? You are the one who is going to look stupid if you do this. My most recent ex has posted a bunch of random stuff about me on facebook, and me? I haven't done a thing. I am very aware of his action / that he and his friends talk smack about me, but I have more class than that. I am not going to stoop to that level, and neither should you. If you feel like doing something stupid follow these steps: stop, regain composure, move on. Don't give your ex the satisfaction. They are not worth your time and effort... just saying!
Rule 4) Cut your losses! Don't keep talking to your ex, don't see them, delete them from your phone and facebook! There are almost no exceptions to this rule, and it should be done as soon as possible. Why are you going to put yourself through the trouble? Being friends with an ex is a big mistake, and usually one person ends up getting hurt. It is best to cut your losses and move on. I have tried being friends and the cut your losses method, and cutting your losses works a lot better. Without them in your life, you are able to move on a lot easier. Don't make things harder than they already are - click the **delete** button!!!
Rule 5) Burn, toss, and purge! Get rid of anything and everything he gave you! This may sound extreme, and there may be some exceptions, but do it. It kinda goes along the lines of rule 4, you don't need the constant reminder of them. You may opt for the less extreme, but get rid of all their letters, gifts, etc. You can toss them or burn them... which ever makes you feel better! Purge the ex from your life!!!! Heck, I've been as far as purging their name / renaming them Voldemort!
Rule 6) Friends and family first! No matter what, your true friends and family will always stick by you. They are always there when you need someone, if you let them know. Spend time with your friends and family. Surround your life with positive people who love you for who you are. Yes, this is a sappy rule, but it is incredibly important. You don't have to do anything special, just spending time, talking, laughing, watching your favorite movie with them. Being around people who care for you helps a lot. Don't ever forget the importance of these people in your life!
Rule 7) Smash those rose colored glasses!
Even if you really loved someone, there were negative things about your relationship otherwise you wouldn't be in the predicament you are in now. Make an effort to recognize what went wrong, even what you didn't like about your ex. We don't want to make the same mistake twice (or more in some cases), so taking note of the negatives will help you: a) Dislike the person more, helping you to get over them b) Make you recognize what you don't want in your next relationship
This rule may take time, but it is helpful. We do not need a distorted perspective of what the relationship was or was not. It's time to actually examine what the heck was going on. And yes, you may cry... but it's all worth it in the end!
Rule 8) Get over it!Do not entertain the notion that the break up is temporary. You break up for a reason. Why would you think that it would be better the next time around? Besides, if you entertain the notion that you will get back together with your ex you will be wallowing away in sorrow while they are living their life. If the magic 8 ball tells you that it is temporary and they still love you, toss that ball to the ground, put on your big girl or boy pants, and try to move on. Yes it will suck, yes you may cry a lot, but it is going to be worse if you are stuck in limbo while they are happily over you. It is best for you to put things in perspective and expect that you are not going to be with your ex.
Rule 9) Wait, who? Try to distract yourself! The best way to deal with a break up is filling your time! When you are busy, you think about them less. Like I said in rule 2, take up exercise. If that isn't your thing write, paint, sing, learn a new musical instrument. Fill up your time as much as you can with things you enjoy. You never know... you may find yourself smiling a lot more.
Rule 10) Who am I?
Yes, it may sound cheesy or lame, but find out who you are again. You may have been with your ex for quite some time and you are not used to being without them, but you will have to readjust. Figure out what you like to do... maybe do things that you've always wanted to do, but were too scared. Your life did not end when you broke up, it is just a new beginning.
